Integrity and Self-Forgiveness

Integrity is that part of ourselves which holds us accountable to our core beliefs and is at the heart of respecting who we really can be. This accountability includes a standard in human behavioral values, but should not be so rigid as to make that standard humanly unachievable. No one is above making mistakes or bad choices. Our sense of well-established integrity, therefore, necessarily includes compassion, forgiveness and grace.

The pathway to achieving such a balance of moral integrity, and the ability to genuinely forgive one’s perceived shortcomings, is frequently interrupted or broken by trauma and the resulting life experiences, such as PTSD, addiction, depression or other mental impairments. Integrity may seem as if it is unattainable or out of one’s reach even if it is already there. Shame often becomes a dominant source of blockage around the trauma(s), and the resulting experiences or behaviors by the traumatized or impaired, because it frequently becomes the way we interpret those negative events in our lives. We tend to internalize those events and cast blame on ourselves.

Therefore, self-forgiveness becomes key to repairing the psychological damage done by shame. This process of self-forgiveness, then, is not about making excuses for one’s behavior, but truly acknowledging wrongdoings with grace, letting go self-imposed penalties, self regret, hatred or other forms of disregard. It is also about being able and willing to make amends and correcting hurtful behavior where and when possible in context of relating to others.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

Dealing with sexual trauma in therapy

We have reminded in the news once more that sexual harassment and abuse are very prominent issues in today’s society. The latest controversy around a famous movie producer for decades of sexual harassment and assault only adds to a long list of known cases of people using their positions of power to abuse others.

Of course, what we also know is this horrific phenomenon is not restricted to the rich and famous. Many therapists see the results of sexual trauma play out in our practices on a fairly regular basis. The range in behavior is vast, but the overreaching message of disrespect for another human being is resoundingly the same. In a therapeutic context, the victims of sexual misconduct are wounded deeply, mainly because of the serious lack of regard for their innermost sanctity and personhood.

This goes far beyond the physical acts themselves. It is the robbery of emotional and spiritual safety. It is the denigration of personal value. The damage done is ultimately repairable, but not before the pain is fully recognized and experienced.

Therapy is about this very process. It is the full recognition of what has been taken away without self blame or shame. Most often, the healing process involves self-forgiveness for being broken by the event, even though there is really nothing internally to forgive. A violation occurred externally, but struck so privately and personally that it frequently feels like a stain on one’s soul or psyche. With this understanding, it then makes perfect sense that coming forward by the victims may be indeterminately delayed, for fear of being seen with such a stain and/or having to endure more disgrace and humiliation because of it.

Cleansing and healing the wound made by someone else’s invasive or attacking behavior is the task that therapists are asked to assist with. Respect-Focused Therapy suggests that the best, most effective way we can do that is by concentrating our full energy and focus on truly respecting a person’s pain as well as the whole person completely. With the experience of receiving such depth of genuine respect, it is hoped that these individuals will have the platform on which to begin building, once again, their own self-respect as well as respect for others around them.

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

Exploring Beneath Addiction

In the last several years it has become more and more clear in the media as well as within the mental health profession that addiction has become an out-of-control epidemic, especially addictions to meth, opioids, and heroin.

I supervise post-grad interns who work with this population (addicts of all substances), many of whom are homeless and/or ex-incarcerated. Most of these clients have years, if not decades, of addictive patterns of behavior well established, such as lying, cheating, and portraying some level of aggression or passive-aggressive behavior. Many are dually diagnosed with other mental illnesses and have suffered various traumas during the course of their lives.

These entrenched behaviors often become like masks or shields for the people living inside of them, seemingly impenetrable to those working with them. So many layers of harm from others, self harm, and harm done to others are woven into the horrific disease of addiction, that it seems extremely difficult to unravel and find the human being strangling inside.

Exploring beneath this quagmire of addiction requires the willingness to suspend judgment and presumptions about the limitations of hope placed on or by this person. Societal norms and personal records of misconduct have put boxes of low expectations on addicts. To find the real people hiding in these boxes is the primary challenge of therapy, as I see it. As we go about the careful process of doing so, we need to help that person exposed learn to not be afraid of who he or she really is, but to have the courage to heal and embrace the broken goodness within.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

Intersecting Therapy and Religion

Research on the interrelatedness of psychotherapy and religion or spirituality has been relatively sparse historically, but in the last decade or so, it has received greater interest, particularly as it relates to multiculturalism. In a study conducted by Post & Wade (2009), several interesting findings about the differences between therapists and their clients were found. First, most therapists overall were found to have significantly less personal identification with being religious or spiritual than their clients and had very little training in counseling around spiritual issues, yet for the most part, they saw their clients’ religious beliefs or practices as a positive addition to their mental health. However, the belief systems outside of the more traditional western religions, i.e. the Judeo-Christian tradition, were more often seen as being tied to some pathology. Eastern religions, Islam and Native American faiths would be typical examples of such misunderstandings.

As this study continues to point out, the pluralistic approach, that is, the broader willingness to be open to and accepting of all faiths, even those unknown to us, is perhaps the most effective and ethical stance we can have with clients. The key danger in not taking such a position is to fall into the trap of trying, consciously or subconsciously, to make clients become more like ourselves. It is not wise, particularly in therapy, to impose our beliefs on someone else, especially to those who are more vulnerable.

There are those counselors who identify themselves as Christian counselors (or other faiths), who use such spiritual tools as scripture readings and prayers within the context of doing therapy. If this is understood and agreed to by the client prior to implementing these practices, it can be a powerful tool, which may reach into the deeper spiritual needs of the client. If handled with care and respect for the client’s perspective, without judgment, this can truly be an enriching process.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.