Helping Clients Cope with Love Expectations

Therapists consider the winter holidays as being the roughest time for our clients. This includes Valentine’s Day. The heavy commercial marketing creates expectations, that if not met, can cause self-doubt and even deeper depression for those already troubled by these issues. There is a real possibility that these feelings could manifest for some clients, and therapists should be prepared with strategies to discuss difficult questions about love and companionship that clients might ask, either out loud or to themselves.

• How do I/we define love and how does that compare to personal experience?

This question might not be phrased in this way, but it’s often lurking in the back of clients’ minds. To help the client[s] organize their thoughts and fears around this question, gives them the opportunity to consider the dissonance they experience around this issue and define for themselves what real love looks and feels like to them. For so many with attachment issues and trauma, this kind of discussion is imperative to repair damaged thoughts and beliefs about love.

• How do I/we practice a loving relationship?

What are your clients doing in their love lives, or pursuit of them, that is serving them well or isn’t? This is topic a little tricky because it is not meant to create more angst for them, but to help them to have a clearer understanding about what they’re bringing to the table in loving relationships. As they begin looking more deeply at this, it’s wise to encourage them to acknowledge all the positive traits they offer as well as those they want to approve upon.

• How and where am I/we aware of being loved?

This is such an important question to highlight with clients. So many times, the focus in therapy is on the lack of love in their lives, often for good reason, but the reminder that somewhere in their lives there likely is at least one other individual who has shown them love. Whether it’s a grandparent, teacher, a child, or even a pet, someone has love for them.

• How do I/we show love to ourselves?

This is the most critical question in terms of personal growth and resilience. Therapists need to frame this as being fluid, but something to be built upon—foundational to emotional strength and endurance. Exploring ways to express genuine self-love will provide discussion about the differences between vulnerability and shame.

• How do we navigate in the love world without getting deeply hurt?

Again, this is all about gaining self-appreciation and respect that allows the client to set appropriate boundaries protecting him/herself from legitimate harm. Yet they should also able to more freely give love to others without unrealistic expectations that set up an emotional let-down.

All of these questions have the potential of leading clients toward genuine healing and growth. They also have the potential for deepening wounds and despair if they are handled without intentional care and respect. Therapists should remain diligent in keeping respect (the core component of real love) present and available for our clients to hold on to and grow into.

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

De-escalating Clients Using RFT

At some point, most of us in the mental health field encounter clients who are emotionally escalated in tone or volume. Frequently, these escalations occur in couples or family counseling, when arguments get particularly heated, but they can also happen with individuals when discussing trauma or perceived threats. De-escalating these situations can be a tricky, if not frightening process.

When caught in a situation where de-escalation of emotion and subsequent action becomes necessary, there are several tips to keep in mind.

• The first and most critical step in this situation is to calm ourselves in the moment. Breathe, and remind yourself that you have the knowledge and experience to set the tone in the room. By your quieted posture and voice you can help regulate and reset the level of safety for everyone present including yourself.

Personal space and body language are important in this process. Heightened tension follows triggering cues, such as moving in too close or appearing too authoritative or demanding. It’s best to stay at least one leg distance from the agitated individual(s) and stay at an angle in relation to that person, so as to not appear to be responding to a confrontational standoff. It is also not typically wise to touch a person in an agitated state unless you know the person well enough to know that the touch will be welcomed and soothing, rather than cause for further irritation.

• The next step is to assess level of agitation or aggression you’re witnessing. Things to watch for include: fidgeting, rocking, heightened pitch, volume and speed of speech; pacing; rapid breathing and tightened facial expressions. These can be signs of potential danger, particularly if combined with any verbal or non-verbal threats, such as clenching fists or getting into someone else’s personal space. Signs of  aggression often happen quickly, so it’s best to be alert to any signals as early as possible.

At the same time, it’s really important to stay calm, because our job is to de-escalate the situation as soon as possible. Our demeanor and tone of voice are essential to lowering the tension in the room. Eye contact, as much as possible, along with a smooth, soft voice often offers comfort and helps soften the moment. From there you can gently and respectfully guide the dialog toward a peaceful resolution.

Therapists may not always be able to resolve the conflict, but hopefully we can restore some safety and trust with our clients by respectfully remaining present.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.