Believing in our common good

In a recent blog, John Sommers-Flanagan, quoted Adler:

“An incalculable amount of tension and useless effort would be spared in this world if we realized that cooperation and love can never be won by force.” (Adler, 1931, p. 132).

It seems to be obvious on first glance that “force” can never win over the spirit of love or cooperation. Yet, the evidence that entangles our world and everyday lives demonstrates how intensely we as human beings try to hold on to the erroneous belief that we can “make” people love and respect us.

This tends to get us in a lot of trouble. We see this all the time, particularly in the lives of our clients. Couples who have to engage in an argument to its last breath in order to be proven right, adolescents who engage in risky behaviors such as using drugs or running away in order to get parental attention, or the parents who demand respect from their children through intimidation, if not abuse.

The core issue here, as I see it, is that we tend to treat respect as an asymmetrical phenomenon. That is, there is often an  assumption that one person deserves or receives more respect than the other. Therefore, the relationship remains static in its inequality (i.e. a male dominates a sexual relationship or a power struggle is ongoing because there is always competition for who should be the winner for the most respect).

When one steps back to consider this dilemma, the obvious conclusion is that the premise of necessary inequality is false. Parents, teachers, employers, law enforcers, and even therapists can easily fall into the trap of assuming that authority means demanding more respect than one in that position must give to those under such authority.

This way of thinking is toxic, particularly as the concept extends beyond clear lines of established authority or power. The common good of all evaporates when others are belittled, marginalized, or discriminated against.

As therapists, I believe that we have a critical responsibility to demonstrate and advocate for genuine and equitable conveyed expressions of respect in the therapy room and beyond. To do so requires our diligent exercise in practicing for the good of all.

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

Preparing for Difficult Clients

Working with clients productively isn’t always an easy road. Clinicians frequently run into clients who are challenging, frustrating, maddening or otherwise pushing our emotional buttons in some fashion.

For example, there are clients who have their own anger issues and come in ready to pick a fight. They simply want to argue with us, and question our knowledge or expertise. There are clients who are passive-aggressive, are in denial of their addictions or simply don’t engage in therapy the way we would like in order to make the progress we wish for them. Then there are clients we just don’t like for some reason; they don’t share our values and don’t respect our time or our boundaries.

Often, the rule of wisdom is to refer such clients out so that they can find a better fit and get better care. But before you do that, I have a few suggestions for preparing yourself for your next session.

To begin with, check yourself. How are you feeling? Tired? Anxious? Hungry? Already dreading this appointment or preoccupied with something you’d rather be doing? What buttons are being pushed inside of you by this client? Spend some time slowing down and acknowledging your feelings. Breathe and try divesting yourself from feeling graded (even pass-fail) on the outcome of this session. This is your client’s session, not yours.

Then spend some time thinking about where your client is emotionally and cognitively. As I frequently say to interns, try going behind the curtain of the stage your client occupies to see the stagehands at work. What’s going on behind the behavior or attitudes you’re seeing and experiencing? Behind the anger is there fear or doubt? Behind the bluster is there insecurity or sadness? Is there a traumatized child puppeteer behind the puppet you see?

As you go into your session, attempt to drop all negative pre-conceptions, judgments and expectations into the trash can. Work with the person in front of you who is scared, sad, lonely or vulnerable from a place of authentic respect.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

Tackling the Bully Epidemic

“A bully is someone who is regularly overbearing. He or she looks to cause humiliation or discomfort to another, particularly if that other is weaker or smaller. This can be physical bullying, emotional bullying or mental discomfort and humiliation.”
 (Bullying Statistics)

Bullying most often is about imbalance of power, has intention to harm and is repetitive. It is usually culturally based. That is, it comes out of a culture, be it in the family, schoolyard, neighborhood or workplace. Therefore it is frequently systemic rather than isolated. Addressing the larger systemic issues of bullying is a much more daunting task, but usually more significant toward affecting solution-oriented change.

It is this larger, more systemic, more societal form of bullying that is particularly alarming. Yes, unfortunately, bullying behavior has always existed. But given the culture of our current leadership, it seems as though there is greater permission, if not direct role-modeling for mean, hate-based behavior.

We see this play out in families all the time. Someone in authority, usually a parent or a grandparent with specific biases like racism, sexism or faith-ism will model or teach those biases toward others directly or indirectly to their children and grandchildren. Those families within certain neighborhoods, ethnics groups, religions will tend to create bully culture in a more widespread fashion, giving that behavior and hate-driven mentality greater credence and room to grow.

Most of the research literature focuses on school age children and rightly so, in that they are the most vulnerable. School bullies can do the most irrefutable harm, because the psychological impact to a younger brain is potentially so much greater. This is easily evidenced by the sharp rise in teenage suicide in recent years.

School systems have done a very impressive job across this country of designing and implementing anti-bullying programs. Their diligence is paying off, but I’m afraid that we need much more on all levels of our greater society.

The fact remains that bullying exists at every age and social strata, which is ultimately harmful to us all. The current impact and our projected future from what appears to be a growing trend in our society seems to be one of increased anxiety and mistrust among us. Therefore, what effective interventions can we as mental health professionals employ now to help curb this epidemic?

Those of us in the mental health field can certainly make a marked difference. We can help our educators of children interrupt and reverse this paradigm of hatred and harm by introducing, modeling and actively supporting a lifestyle of respect for self and others to each individual, couple and family we serve, thereby creating a healthier environment for us all.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

The Blame and Shame Game

When working with couples, I often run into a repeating pattern of behavior I call

“The blame and shame game.” It goes something like this:

They came in initially because they were arguing too much—at least every other day, they reported—about money, sex and children. Maryanne was concerned that hundreds of dollars had gone missing over the past six months and John pled innocence, claiming that she was “trying to pin everything on him.” He, in turn, accused Maryanne of having a secret affair with her ex-husband, which she also denied. Accusations continued to be thrown. They both began yelling and pointing fingers at one another. They were blaming one another for various unrelated incidents from the past and upping the level of each other’s transgressions in rapid succession, overlapping their voices such that the volume increased so significantly no one voice could be heard.

This pattern seems to be prevalent among couples that have not had good parental modeling for problem-solving or conflict resolution. It is within this framework that winning supersedes resolution. The result is predictably that they both hop on this treadmill that takes them nowhere, except deeper and deeper pain.

The interventions to this cycle are multidimensional in nature. That is, they overlap; they work together. In Respect-Focused Therapy, the specific needs of each individual or couple supersedes any formulated model or technique. This approach rather suggests that all known evidenced-based and reliable techniques, etc. to a therapist be utilized as best serves the needs of each client’s situation.

For example, in the case sited above, I was deeply aware that I need to gently interrupt the pattern of “blame and shame,” but I also knew that such a pattern was deeply entrenched in their style of communication over the long span of their relationship as well as the pattern each had grown up experiencing with their respective parents. This could and would not be an easy fix; to assume so would be to disregard these two people who sat in front of me. For me to assist them in effectively, I had to first acknowledge and positively regard/respect their perspectives on how and why they communicated in the fashion they did.

By asking more questions about how each had grown up, I found out that competing and never losing face in the process was a highly held value in both homes. This being particularly true in John’s home, unfortunately also meant “win no mater what the cost.” This included attacking his wife with a charge of adultery, which later it was found out he didn’t believe, in order to cover his gambling addiction.

In order to get a foothold into any meaningful resolution, I had to openly state my awareness of how much raw pain they each endured every day and how much energy and stamina that must require.

Once it was established that I truly understood how exhausting and frustrating it was for both always needing to win and yet no one ever winning, then I was able to begin offering some tools such as active listening and non-violent communication to slowly break up the long-standing pattern. Eventually, with months of trust-building, we were able to reconsider and reevaluate the value of winning an argument vs. the value of resolving conflict.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

Five Basic Principles of Respect

Respect is a concept that we often take for granted, but seldom reflect on.  However, we often feel the effects of a lack of respect: on the road, at work, or even in our own homes.  Generationally, we often note that children seem to be generally less respectful, especially with the increase of school violence, gang activity, and bullying.

It is therefore valuable to look at the issue of what respect really is and how we can better implement it in our lives.  I have outlined five basic principles which—I think—start to define and describe the fuller meaning of this word.

1. Respect is the “I-Thou” relationship, love in its highest, purest, most effective form.
2. Respect is not fear-based, cannot be demanded, but is freely given, based in positive regard.
3. Respect is a combination of action, attitude, and an open-minded perception of the world, seeing the best in others rather than the worst.
4. Respect is the active ingredient at the center of an individual’s dignity, integrity, and spirituality.
5. Respect is a basic, pivotal component in the determination between functional and non-functional social system.

The first principle speaks to the quality of relationship, mentioning Buber’s “I-Thou” conceptualization of the ideal moments in relating. It is in the most present and selfless awareness of another that we are able to experience love in its truest form.

The second principle is necessary for the first to exist. Fear is really the antithesis of respect and disallows respect to be authentic. To demand respect is to destroy it. Symmetry and mutuality replace hierarchy in instances of true respect.

The third suggests that respect is multi-dimensional, combining open-minded perception with proactive behavior seeking positive interactive outcomes universally.  It is not stagnant, but fluid, constantly evolving throughout our lifetimes.

Respect validates who we are at the core. The fourth principle suggests that respect is at the center of one’s dignity, integrity, and spirituality. To respect oneself is to pursue, develop and energize those inner values we hold precious. “Love one another as you love yourself,” implies that self-respect is a prerequisite to respecting others.  Genuine self-respect, then, is a primary building block in the ability to have healthy, respectful relationships in all facets of our lives.

Finally, the last principle points out that respect cannot be just an individual activity, but to sustain and grow it must be inherent in the larger systems of our lives, family social networks, community, nationally and internationally. Universal respect and social justice require ongoing awareness and intention from all of us collectively.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.