Better Choices, Better World

The whole idea of having choice can be wonderful, but scary at the same time. This is due to the fact that the results of making bad choices can potentially produce unwanted, if not devastating results.

Many, if not all people who seek counseling are somehow caught up in this very dilemma. Choices made in their past or current lives often have had some demoralizing effects— a bad divorce, financial loss, a series of broken relationships, or bad choices made by parents and grandparents before them, being replicated if not complicated in current circumstances.

The affect of one misstep leading to another can create a pattern of mistakes and more distrust as well as anticipation and prophesy of more bad decisions in the future. This cascade of negative events can become overwhelming, eventually defining one’s identity and future without meaningful direction.

Our job as therapists is not about minimizing these realities of our clients’ current situations, but to gently and respectfully suggest that we all have choice about being driven by fear or by courage and hope. Fear alone tends to only make things worse. When afraid, we tend to isolate and not trust, behavior which motivates anger and leads to more stress, depression, and anxiety, often turning into harmful, if not aggressive actions toward self or others.

Finding and making better choices is frequently a difficult process, because this requires a paradigm shift in restructuring one’s belief system, including the ability to find compassion as well as genuine respect for yourself and then for others.  Choosing to not be the victim of hard times means choosing to “think outside the box,” to be open to more possibilities. To find real and permanent value in yourself—not measured by exterior standards—and then to dare to extend the same to others, is to live more boldly and completely.

Most importantly, I believe in the notion that each human being is in fact an integral part of the larger world. Just as a village affects a family, which in turn affects a child, so does the wellbeing of each person alive affect the sustaining value of the larger systems in which that person exists. As therapists, are more able to introduce as well as help maintain the important role of deep, authentic respect for humanity, we assist to insure a heather world in which we all can live.

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

Meaning and Purpose

Victor Frankl is perhaps one the most famous leaders in the discussion of meaning.  In his signature book, Man’s Search for Meaning, he talks about his many years as a prisoner in Auschwitz where mere survival was the source of meaning, and yet in such a deplorable setting, the search for further meaning became even more important. In this book he says, “Striving to find a meaning in one’s life is the primary motivational force.” (2006, p.99)

To explore our daily sense of meaning and purpose may be a more significant starting point.  For instance, one meaning may be about just getting out of bed every day and going to work or getting the kids off to school for that day. The larger purpose in the daily tasks are obviously about making a living, parenting or getting an education, but those sometimes get lost in the details. Therefore, we can lose sight of this grander perspective and perhaps develop a sense of meaninglessness or lack of purpose.

It is when we “get stuck in the weeds” of life that we are prone to have more existential anxiety about the meaning of our lives; about our identity as human beings. Many times we may not be fully aware of the complete nature of this anxiety, we just know that we feel something’s missing.

This feeling is amplified exponentially, of course, by experiences of trauma or loss. Depending on the severity and timing of such destructive life events, it can be that an individual has not been able to develop such an identity or that identity has been seriously damaged.

Breaking out of this existential angst or repairing an identity to a fuller meaning and purpose is a central part of psychotherapy. There are several ways in which a therapist can be helpful in this process. The primary way is through the qualitative tone in the relationship. If therapists can genuinely provide a comprehensive presence of respect for the client sitting in front of us, we can better foster the opportunity for the growth of internal respect.

We can then foster and support the courage of our client to widen the lens from the mundane existence of daily living. To understand a larger scope of life to include a more solid sense of meaning, such as a spiritual, values or a cause-driven sense of purpose.

Finally, we can assist in the creative process that the client embarks on to build the tools and resources necessary to implement and grow into a restored identity.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic