Respect in the Therapeutic Relationship The Thoughtful Counselor Podcast

It was my pleasure to spend 45 minutes speaking with Mike Shook. In this episode, we discuss bringing respect into counseling relationships and processes. We discuss the working definition of Respect Focused Therapy and how it applies to existing modalities and a multitude of therapeutic situations.

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Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

The Blame and Shame Game

When working with couples, I often run into a repeating pattern of behavior I call

“The blame and shame game.” It goes something like this:

They came in initially because they were arguing too much—at least every other day, they reported—about money, sex and children. Maryanne was concerned that hundreds of dollars had gone missing over the past six months and John pled innocence, claiming that she was “trying to pin everything on him.” He, in turn, accused Maryanne of having a secret affair with her ex-husband, which she also denied. Accusations continued to be thrown. They both began yelling and pointing fingers at one another. They were blaming one another for various unrelated incidents from the past and upping the level of each other’s transgressions in rapid succession, overlapping their voices such that the volume increased so significantly no one voice could be heard.

This pattern seems to be prevalent among couples that have not had good parental modeling for problem-solving or conflict resolution. It is within this framework that winning supersedes resolution. The result is predictably that they both hop on this treadmill that takes them nowhere, except deeper and deeper pain.

The interventions to this cycle are multidimensional in nature. That is, they overlap; they work together. In Respect-Focused Therapy, the specific needs of each individual or couple supersedes any formulated model or technique. This approach rather suggests that all known evidenced-based and reliable techniques, etc. to a therapist be utilized as best serves the needs of each client’s situation.

For example, in the case sited above, I was deeply aware that I need to gently interrupt the pattern of “blame and shame,” but I also knew that such a pattern was deeply entrenched in their style of communication over the long span of their relationship as well as the pattern each had grown up experiencing with their respective parents. This could and would not be an easy fix; to assume so would be to disregard these two people who sat in front of me. For me to assist them in effectively, I had to first acknowledge and positively regard/respect their perspectives on how and why they communicated in the fashion they did.

By asking more questions about how each had grown up, I found out that competing and never losing face in the process was a highly held value in both homes. This being particularly true in John’s home, unfortunately also meant “win no mater what the cost.” This included attacking his wife with a charge of adultery, which later it was found out he didn’t believe, in order to cover his gambling addiction.

In order to get a foothold into any meaningful resolution, I had to openly state my awareness of how much raw pain they each endured every day and how much energy and stamina that must require.

Once it was established that I truly understood how exhausting and frustrating it was for both always needing to win and yet no one ever winning, then I was able to begin offering some tools such as active listening and non-violent communication to slowly break up the long-standing pattern. Eventually, with months of trust-building, we were able to reconsider and reevaluate the value of winning an argument vs. the value of resolving conflict.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

Mistakes, Regrets and Self-Forgiveness

We all make decisions we later regret. For many of us, this happens much more frequently than we like to admit. Our culture supports, defends, even molds this denial of imperfection through media, advertising, etc. leaving us with the concept that idealistic perfection exists, and we can all have it if we all look just like the emaciated models, buy the right car, have the right job and friends, live in the right neighborhood.  Most of us know that this is myth and marketing deception, but we get ourselves wrapped up in it to some degree anyway.

It is, in my opinion, when we can let loose our tight grip and angst for perfection, when we can start admitting our mistakes to ourselves and others, that we can then have the freedom to make better choices. Not only can we learn from our mistakes, we can clear out the emotional space to be more able to make more rational choices.

Notably, some mistakes are more devastating than others. Some can result in real trauma or loss, which can lead one into a lifetime or shame and self-degradation. Aiding our clients in clearing out shame, guilt and overburdened regret is essential in order for them to have the potential for self-forgiveness, acceptance and confident humility.

This process of self-forgiveness, an integral piece of RFT, is truly acknowledging wrongdoings done with grace, letting go self-imposed penalties, self-regret, hatred or other forms of disregard.  It is also about being able and willing to make amends and correcting hurtful behavior where and when possible in context of relating to others. (Halling, 2006)

Forgiveness gives credence to positive possibility in our lives and opens the door to making better choices. Help clients learn to embrace mistakes and learn to use them wisely in the future. Short of mistakes, there will be many hard decisions, not necessarily labeled good or bad, which, unfortunately, involve sacrifice, pain and/or loss.  But so is there much greater chance for real, sustainable and substantive joy and peace when we are willing to believe in ourselves enough to take risks, that are not completely calculated, but also based on our faith, sense of values, a daring expectation for good to come from it and, always, the willingness to attach responsible action behind it.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

Five Basic Principles of Respect

Respect is a concept that we often take for granted, but seldom reflect on.  However, we often feel the effects of a lack of respect: on the road, at work, or even in our own homes.  Generationally, we often note that children seem to be generally less respectful, especially with the increase of school violence, gang activity, and bullying.

It is therefore valuable to look at the issue of what respect really is and how we can better implement it in our lives.  I have outlined five basic principles which—I think—start to define and describe the fuller meaning of this word.

1. Respect is the “I-Thou” relationship, love in its highest, purest, most effective form.
2. Respect is not fear-based, cannot be demanded, but is freely given, based in positive regard.
3. Respect is a combination of action, attitude, and an open-minded perception of the world, seeing the best in others rather than the worst.
4. Respect is the active ingredient at the center of an individual’s dignity, integrity, and spirituality.
5. Respect is a basic, pivotal component in the determination between functional and non-functional social system.

The first principle speaks to the quality of relationship, mentioning Buber’s “I-Thou” conceptualization of the ideal moments in relating. It is in the most present and selfless awareness of another that we are able to experience love in its truest form.

The second principle is necessary for the first to exist. Fear is really the antithesis of respect and disallows respect to be authentic. To demand respect is to destroy it. Symmetry and mutuality replace hierarchy in instances of true respect.

The third suggests that respect is multi-dimensional, combining open-minded perception with proactive behavior seeking positive interactive outcomes universally.  It is not stagnant, but fluid, constantly evolving throughout our lifetimes.

Respect validates who we are at the core. The fourth principle suggests that respect is at the center of one’s dignity, integrity, and spirituality. To respect oneself is to pursue, develop and energize those inner values we hold precious. “Love one another as you love yourself,” implies that self-respect is a prerequisite to respecting others.  Genuine self-respect, then, is a primary building block in the ability to have healthy, respectful relationships in all facets of our lives.

Finally, the last principle points out that respect cannot be just an individual activity, but to sustain and grow it must be inherent in the larger systems of our lives, family social networks, community, nationally and internationally. Universal respect and social justice require ongoing awareness and intention from all of us collectively.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

 

 

 

What Respect Really Means

For many of our clients, there is little experiential connection with the concept of respect, because it feels contrived, obligatory or simply nonexistent—often from childhood. Predominantly, they don’t feel privy to getting any of its benefits, as it seems only to be for others, primarily “elders” or those in authority positions. Far too often the lack of genuinely feeling respected, honored by others authentically, can lead to lifetimes of never respecting oneself and therefore not having the grounding to be able to adequately respect others.

Our job as therapists, then, is to help clients realize that respect—in its truest form—is not contrived and is not hierarchical. In fact, to be genuine and grounded it needs to be mutual, shared symmetrically. To have high esteem for someone and that is unreturned by that person, it becomes at some point, meaningless for both. For example, if a child adores his father who is admissive or abusive towards his child, the adoration becomes unfulfilling and may, in fact, turn into resentment or despair. Respect needs to come from a place of authenticity and symmetrical balance to have any true validity.

Respect is more than a noun; it is also a verb. It is action. The Latin origin of the word is ‘respectare,’ which means to look back or look again. To reconsider. The realization that respect cannot be demanded or coerced in any meaningful way opens the possibility to a surprising new awareness of another person we thought we knew well, but upon intentional reconsideration, we find something wonderful we may have never noticed before.

Challenge your clients to take the next opportunity to “look again” at the person they most take for granted or get annoyed by, themselves first, or maybe a spouse or family member, a neighbor or coworker, and try assisting them to look through a lens of respect that can filter out the negatives enough to find one new positive perspective they may not have seen in the same way before. This may take some practice, but the more chances we take on this new path of interpersonal discovery, the more we may be delightfully surprised.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.