Healing from Brokenness

I talk about respect all the time, particularly as it pertains to doing therapy. I strongly believe that respect is a primary healing agent for a great many emotional and psychological wounds held by individuals, couples and families.

Sometimes I begin to wonder if I might be becoming a bit overzealous about this point and then reality hits hard. The level of extreme hatred and cruel violence being fanned in this world shakes us all. At least for a few days. And then we grow numb to it because we think we have to in order to move on.

Trauma caused by blatant disregard for human life and humanity in general has always been present. Wars, genocide and bigotry toward those who are “different” have always existed. But to see it play out in real time is truly disturbing.

In the last few weeks we have witnessed bombing attempts followed by another gun massacre toward people worshipping.  Additionally, it is believed that the shooter was motivated to carry through with these acts because he also believed that people of this faith were helping “aliens” to invade our country.

It is this concept of “other” that is most troubling to me. When you choose to separate yourself from others in a way that creates mistrust, division and hatred, then there is pain individually and collectively. We all lose because the whole system becomes even more broken than it was previously.

Healing from brokenness is a long and arduous process at best. We know that we compile hurt upon hurt the healing process just gets more and more complex. Just saying that we need more respect in the world may sound way too simple—glib even. But in reality, respect requires a lot of hard work from each of us. It requires a very focused mindset of compassion, forgiveness and an openness to really hearing and understanding what others are trying to say.

This has been the biggest challenge for centuries, if not since the beginning of time. But if we give up now, where does that leave humankind?

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples and Families

I was fortunate this year to be invited to speak at the American Mental Health Counselor Association’s annual conference in Orlando.

Florida is a beautiful place, and I made my FIRST journey to a Disney park, Epcot! I had such a great time with family and with colleagues at the conference while I was visiting the Sunshine State.

My presentation topic this year was Using Respect-Focused Therapy with Individuals, Couples and Families. I’m offering the resources from my presentation in this post.

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RFTSSW_handout2018

For those who are having family struggles (or want to avoid them) or are curious about Respect-Focused Therapy, I hope you find the presentation materials helpful and insightful.

As always, be well, and as the late, great, Queen of Soul would say, respect each other.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

 

What Does It Mean to Be Resilient? on GoodTherapy.org

Please check out my latest article on GoodTherapy.com.

“What Does It Mean to Be Resilient and Can Anyone Do It?” discusses maintaining resiliency during times of loss and despair when finding and maintaining a sense of meaning and purpose is crucial.

Read the full article.

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

 

Depathologizing Mental Illness

During this Mental Illness Awareness Month, we will focus on the stigma surrounding mental illness.

The term mental illness historically to refers to any abnormality that deviates a person’s behavior from social norms. Over the last few centuries, mental illness has slowly moved to a more scientific, medical framework (conditions were initially associated with spiritual demonology). This has eliminated much of the cruelty imposed on people with mental illnesses, but newer forms of branding and misunderstandings around such human challenges persist.

Anyone who has ever experienced symptoms commonly associated with the concept of mental illness, such as depression, anxiety or more complex disorders, knows all too well the added burden of being labeled “bipolar,” “borderline” or “schizophrenic,” as do their families. These labels and stereotypes carry lead-weighted misconceptions in the public eye that often follow people for entire lifetimes, affecting possibilities for meaningful employment, education, relationships and social engagement. The shortage of adequate funding for treating those who have little or no income sadly means that individuals with mental illness may end up homeless or in the penal system, which further demonizes their existence.

Many of us who work in the mental health field have found it imperative to work toward “depathologizing” the concept of mental illness because it is so laden in the model of “sickness” or “disease” that it is isolating and oppressive. The preferred and more healing approach is to look at the wide range of emotions, beliefs and behaviors  encompassed by such labeling as human responses to life stressors by people who are coping as best they are able. We want to give respect and dignity to who they are completely, and appreciate their humanity in such a way that they can also learn to honor themselves in this world as whole beings—perhaps only needing support along the way.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

 

Christian Counseling and the LGBTQ Community

I recently attended a workshop sponsored by the Human Empathy Project, in which the specific topic was on the therapeutic complexities regarding faith issues and the LGBTQ community.  Within this multidimensional discussion several different perspectives were considered.

Much of the focus of that discussion was about how a Christian therapist with traditional values and teachings comes to terms with working with an LGBTQ client. A significant challenge for many therapists of faith is to recognize the spiritual or theological value in affirming persons of alternative sexual orientations, due to Biblical passages that are perceived by some to condemn such behaviors. Passages from scripture such as, “Love one another as I have loved you,” and “Judge not, as you are not judged,” are offered as suggested guidance toward greater grace in this regard.

It was pointed out that until recently, best practices indicated that therapists who felt uncomfortable or ill-equipped not work with clients who presented outside of the scope of the therapists’ expertise. However, while it may apply to working with specific mental health issues like eating disorders or gambling addiction, there have been several significant changes in the code of ethics across governing boards in this profession. The emerging best practice is to become more culturally proficient, thereby less biased toward any specific culture or sub-group be it about gender identity, race, disability or religious values and so on, in order to provide fair and just mental health services to everyone.

The complicated history of the relationship between the disciplines of psychology and religion on the issue of homosexuality in particular has led to pathologizing and demonizing of this portion of humanity over decades, if not centuries. This has resulted in harmful practices in our field, such as “conversion therapy,” based on incorrect information. It is imperative to understand that this is not a psychological disorder, but is biologically based, making gender identification not a choice that can or should be reversed, but something to be gracefully accepted and affirmed.

This position of being life affirming to all people, regardless of individual differences, is very much in keeping with Respect-Focused Therapy.  From within this framework, therapists are able to move forward the deeper conceptualization of respect as a function of keen understanding and a healing force. It is a process of due diligence to stay open and curious to new possibilities and greater understanding of the larger human experience.

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

 

A Flashlight in the Darkness: Honoring Pain and Loss on GoodTherapy.org

Navigating through loss is not an easy process with a clear-cut path. For those suffering a loss or treating a client currently struggling with grief, please see my newest article on GoodTherapy.org.

When we’re in a dark place, how can a “flashlight” be used to soothe and heal emotional pain? How can we can begin to reconcile and come to terms with a painful loss?

Read the full article.

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

 

We’re All a Little Crazy

The other day I came across a blog post about a national mental health awareness movement called “We’re All a Little Crazy.” Numerous celebrities in sports and the performing arts lead this movement. Many stories are shared about personal experiences with mental illness, from bipolar disorder to PTSD through #SameHere and a sign language gesture which points one’s thumb towards oneself and the pinky toward another.

The concept behind this movement is to disarm the stigma of mental illness as being something foreign, weird, or outside of a “normal” existence. In fact, many, if not most of us, have at one time or another experienced some level of depression, anxiety, trauma, or loss that would put us, at least temporarily, somewhere on the continuum between mental health and mental illness. The emotional distress within that continuum obviously varies in intensity and manifestation, but to be not mentally well at some point within one’s lifetime is arguably a part of the human condition.

As mental health professionals, it should be especially incumbent upon us to be acutely aware of the additional burdens and pain caused by the stigmas placed on people with mental illness, particularly those that invite bullying or estrangement. Most importantly, we need to be in continuous check on ourselves as we may also fall into the elusive cracks of stigmatization (even if unintentional) of a person diagnosed as borderline, Schizoid-affective, or with Bipolar disorder who come with great vulnerability into our space for assistance and healing. By honoring their stories of struggles and accomplishments as significant and as ordinary as our own, we are welcoming them down a path to healing and recovery. After all, we’re all “a little crazy!”

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

When Is Love Healthy? Attachment, Vulnerability, and Respect on GoodTherapy.org

I am excited to announce I have become a topic expert for GoodTherapy.com.

My first article, “When Is Love Healthy? Attachment, Vulnerability, and Respect”, discusses a topic that has long been a source of marvel and mystery for human beings. What is the meaning of love? And what, exactly, does healthy love look like?

Read the full article.

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

 

Helping Clients Cope with Love Expectations

Therapists consider the winter holidays as being the roughest time for our clients. This includes Valentine’s Day. The heavy commercial marketing creates expectations, that if not met, can cause self-doubt and even deeper depression for those already troubled by these issues. There is a real possibility that these feelings could manifest for some clients, and therapists should be prepared with strategies to discuss difficult questions about love and companionship that clients might ask, either out loud or to themselves.

• How do I/we define love and how does that compare to personal experience?

This question might not be phrased in this way, but it’s often lurking in the back of clients’ minds. To help the client[s] organize their thoughts and fears around this question, gives them the opportunity to consider the dissonance they experience around this issue and define for themselves what real love looks and feels like to them. For so many with attachment issues and trauma, this kind of discussion is imperative to repair damaged thoughts and beliefs about love.

• How do I/we practice a loving relationship?

What are your clients doing in their love lives, or pursuit of them, that is serving them well or isn’t? This is topic a little tricky because it is not meant to create more angst for them, but to help them to have a clearer understanding about what they’re bringing to the table in loving relationships. As they begin looking more deeply at this, it’s wise to encourage them to acknowledge all the positive traits they offer as well as those they want to approve upon.

• How and where am I/we aware of being loved?

This is such an important question to highlight with clients. So many times, the focus in therapy is on the lack of love in their lives, often for good reason, but the reminder that somewhere in their lives there likely is at least one other individual who has shown them love. Whether it’s a grandparent, teacher, a child, or even a pet, someone has love for them.

• How do I/we show love to ourselves?

This is the most critical question in terms of personal growth and resilience. Therapists need to frame this as being fluid, but something to be built upon—foundational to emotional strength and endurance. Exploring ways to express genuine self-love will provide discussion about the differences between vulnerability and shame.

• How do we navigate in the love world without getting deeply hurt?

Again, this is all about gaining self-appreciation and respect that allows the client to set appropriate boundaries protecting him/herself from legitimate harm. Yet they should also able to more freely give love to others without unrealistic expectations that set up an emotional let-down.

All of these questions have the potential of leading clients toward genuine healing and growth. They also have the potential for deepening wounds and despair if they are handled without intentional care and respect. Therapists should remain diligent in keeping respect (the core component of real love) present and available for our clients to hold on to and grow into.

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

De-escalating Clients Using RFT

At some point, most of us in the mental health field encounter clients who are emotionally escalated in tone or volume. Frequently, these escalations occur in couples or family counseling, when arguments get particularly heated, but they can also happen with individuals when discussing trauma or perceived threats. De-escalating these situations can be a tricky, if not frightening process.

When caught in a situation where de-escalation of emotion and subsequent action becomes necessary, there are several tips to keep in mind.

• The first and most critical step in this situation is to calm ourselves in the moment. Breathe, and remind yourself that you have the knowledge and experience to set the tone in the room. By your quieted posture and voice you can help regulate and reset the level of safety for everyone present including yourself.

Personal space and body language are important in this process. Heightened tension follows triggering cues, such as moving in too close or appearing too authoritative or demanding. It’s best to stay at least one leg distance from the agitated individual(s) and stay at an angle in relation to that person, so as to not appear to be responding to a confrontational standoff. It is also not typically wise to touch a person in an agitated state unless you know the person well enough to know that the touch will be welcomed and soothing, rather than cause for further irritation.

• The next step is to assess level of agitation or aggression you’re witnessing. Things to watch for include: fidgeting, rocking, heightened pitch, volume and speed of speech; pacing; rapid breathing and tightened facial expressions. These can be signs of potential danger, particularly if combined with any verbal or non-verbal threats, such as clenching fists or getting into someone else’s personal space. Signs of  aggression often happen quickly, so it’s best to be alert to any signals as early as possible.

At the same time, it’s really important to stay calm, because our job is to de-escalate the situation as soon as possible. Our demeanor and tone of voice are essential to lowering the tension in the room. Eye contact, as much as possible, along with a smooth, soft voice often offers comfort and helps soften the moment. From there you can gently and respectfully guide the dialog toward a peaceful resolution.

Therapists may not always be able to resolve the conflict, but hopefully we can restore some safety and trust with our clients by respectfully remaining present.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.