Healing from Brokenness

I talk about respect all the time, particularly as it pertains to doing therapy. I strongly believe that respect is a primary healing agent for a great many emotional and psychological wounds held by individuals, couples and families.

Sometimes I begin to wonder if I might be becoming a bit overzealous about this point and then reality hits hard. The level of extreme hatred and cruel violence being fanned in this world shakes us all. At least for a few days. And then we grow numb to it because we think we have to in order to move on.

Trauma caused by blatant disregard for human life and humanity in general has always been present. Wars, genocide and bigotry toward those who are “different” have always existed. But to see it play out in real time is truly disturbing.

In the last few weeks we have witnessed bombing attempts followed by another gun massacre toward people worshipping.  Additionally, it is believed that the shooter was motivated to carry through with these acts because he also believed that people of this faith were helping “aliens” to invade our country.

It is this concept of “other” that is most troubling to me. When you choose to separate yourself from others in a way that creates mistrust, division and hatred, then there is pain individually and collectively. We all lose because the whole system becomes even more broken than it was previously.

Healing from brokenness is a long and arduous process at best. We know that we compile hurt upon hurt the healing process just gets more and more complex. Just saying that we need more respect in the world may sound way too simple—glib even. But in reality, respect requires a lot of hard work from each of us. It requires a very focused mindset of compassion, forgiveness and an openness to really hearing and understanding what others are trying to say.

This has been the biggest challenge for centuries, if not since the beginning of time. But if we give up now, where does that leave humankind?

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

 

The Continuum of Violence

Over and over again, in the last few weeks, months, years and decades we continue to be overwhelmed by the news of horrible acts of violence. Most recently, in a small, quiet town in rural Texas, where “you would least expect it,” it happened again: a mass murder in an unassuming country Baptist church. More than fifty people were killed in cold blood, including children and the elderly. An unfathomable act for most of us trying to process such terror, even as it becomes more and more a part of the norm.

While many are asking why and debating the gun control issue, therapists realize that these news stories that are becoming much too frequent are really only the tip of the iceberg. We see in our practices the wider spectrum of violent acts, including spousal and child abuse, which are physical, sexual and verbal in nature. We see victims of trauma routinely who present complex, long term symptoms of anguish and pain, sometimes leading into generations of further pain and maladaptive behavior.

It seems as though there may be no end to this stream of inhumane behavior. This may indeed be true, that violence prevails no matter what interventions are attempted. But I believe that as a therapist I have a duty to try to intervene, even if only on a case-by-case basis.

With over four decades in this field, I can’t help but notice the continuum of aggressive and violent behavior. On one end it seems small, almost trivial, maybe “teasing,” or passive-aggressive in nature. Like bugging someone about wearing their favorite baseball cap or the way they wear their hair or calling them names just to be funny. This can grow into more full-fledged bullying, like playground bullying, cyberbullying or workplace bullying. There is a distinction between bullying and abuse, the latter crosses the line into physical harm and violence, but I would contend that this wider range of behaviors can be considered to be those of disrespect and ultimately harmful to some degree or another.

My point here is not to exaggerate the lesser of these acts into major problems on their own, but to recognize the larger picture so that we can more completely study and begin to understand this phenomenon of violence in our culture, our neighborhoods, our families and ourselves. I believe that the lack of respect, or disrespect, can behave like a cancer and grow to become a devastating story, sometimes told on the news. Therapists have an opportunity to intersect and intervene in these stories in a way that few do. I believe it’s our responsibility as professionals and human beings to do so with as much respectful clarity as possible.

Over the next weeks and months I will be returning to this topic of understanding and intervening violence and welcome your input into this discussion.

 

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.

Love Your Enemies

I rarely mix therapy with politics, but we are at a very dangerous precipice in our international history.

Hate has always existed. This has always mystified me. Why? And what are the predicating factors involved in the creation and sustainability of hatred? What is it about, really, and what can be done to diminish its destructive power?

By now we have all heard about the tragic events in Charlottesville. The ugliest head of hatred rose up again toward individuals simply because they were “other’’ and this resulted in violence and death. This incident has been hashed and rehashed in the media and will soon fade away like so many similar horrific incidents in our recent and not so recent past. The ongoing phenomenon remains. Hate and violence don’t seem to go away.

Carol Anderson, professor of African American Studies at Emory College, posed a very interesting theory in an interview I saw recently. She suggests that perhaps hatred is an addiction. At first I was adverse to the idea because it hasn’t been mentioned in addiction literature that I’m aware of. But the more I listened, the more it made sense to me. Just as rage can have addictive qualities, so might hatred share many of the same qualities. Both are based on irrational thinking; they both share adrenaline-related proprieties and appear to be based in victor mentality.

The question remains, though, how does this human emotion-driven behavior get treated? What, if anything can those of us in the mental health field do to effectively respond to or treat this infectious and devastating malady? There is no definitive answer to this and may not ever be. But I believe that the question remains valid and worth our ongoing pursuit. I think we have the best shot as a profession, to provide some answers.

In response to the most recently publicized display of targeted hatred, President Obama shared the popular tweet, “People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love…”

I believe that therapists have an unique opportunity and skill set to help engage clients in the experiencial understanding of love in its purest form, respect. We can provide the path necessary to begin shifting the paradigm of hatred to genuine caring, kindness and respect toward others.

Respect-Focused Therapy (RFT) is a foundation on which all modalities and techniques used in therapy can be strongly grounded, in order to produce sound, effective outcomes. This approach offers clients the opportunity to gain experiential understanding of being respected, possibly for the first time, from the therapeutic relationship and then be able to heal old wounds by creating more respect for self and others in the therapeutic process.